Village Idiots Part 1

Emma
Emma's twat is packed with natron, and her
skull is inhabited by crazymites.
Emma isn't happy unless she is unhappy.
She spends every available hour in P1
bemoaning the imaginary health crisis du jour,
trying to catch unsuspecting men to cheat on
her husband with, and iggying anyone who
won't fuel her perpetual misery machine.
Special Powers: Desperation. Never shutting the
fuck up. Will never die.
Penis Shrinking Ability: +11
Attention Whore Level: 8.5
Group Affiliations: The Brain Stumps, The Cum
Curdling Crones

Lighteningpaw
A barely literate simulacrum of a man who chats
like he is getting paid for it. But he can't even
get paid for doing THAT.
Paw lives off the minimum wage earnings of his girlfriend Drummy and started squirting out children when he was 13.
What a man, what a man, what a mighty good
man.
Special Powers: Misspelling three letter words.
Rupturing ear drums. Eating boogers like they
are going out of style.
Vagina Drying Ability: +20
Attention Whore Level: 3
Group Affiliations: The Brain Stumps, Womanly
Men And The Manly Women Who Love Them

Fairydrum
Aforementioned minimum wage earner
supporting the only man she can catch with
spoiled snapper.
Fairy has the voice of an angel. If the angel were
being garroted with a rusty ukulele string while
gargling with turpentine.
Special Powers: Stinking. Stocking shelves
faster than a speeding snail. Donating boogers
to Paw's collection.
Penis Shrinking Ability: +10
Attention Whore Level: 3.5
Group Affiliations: The Brain Stumps, The Cum
Curdling Crones

Alabaster
Hates "Left Hand Pathers'' "Niggers" and any
woman with a fully functioning womb under the
age of 70. Evidently, they threaten his impending beatification, his supply of pig's feets and cherry Kool Aid, and his fragile sense of his own womanhood.
Special Powers: Getting iggied by anyone under the age of 70 with fully functioning womb and or testes. Being repetitive.
Vagina Drying Ability: +22
Penis Shrinking Ability: +22
Attention Whore Level: 9.6
Group Affiliations: Womanly Men And The Manly Women Who Love Them, The Cum Curdling Crones, NAMBLA

Willowstar/Grace/Deb
Getting married while not yet divorced, replacing the kids she lost to CPS with brand spankin new genetic defectives, and salving her chronic chat ass is all in a days work for our lil Deb.
We don't know where she finds the time, but, job well done, Deb.
Special Powers: Tripping and falling. Giving Deartard a run for her money.
Penis Shrinking Ability: +7
Attention Whore Level: DEFCON 1
Group Affiliations: Future Crones of America, International Brotherhood of Morons, The Brain Stumps

Mission Statement

It is our mission here at The Douchebag Chronicles to be the hatingest hate site that ever hated!
We will selectively make fun of, slander, satirize, parody, and piss on and in the assholes of those P1ers we can't stand.
One of our special missions will be to point and laugh at that dull as dirt and sharp as a marble "exregtardfromP1".
We will be gleaning his posts and mocking them for your viewing pleasure.
That's right. Blatant ass thievery for teh LULZ.
There will be a recurring "Village Idiots" series in which we will do brief biographies of the inhabitants.
"True Faerytales" where the lives and mighty deeds of the town folk will be immortalized in dramatic, epic, faerytale form.
"Tardwatch" will do what the now defunct Sidetracked By Satan used to do, and what socksocksockfucktardsock tries to do. Only we wont be lame, repetitive, unwitty, disturbingly obsessed and gay.
We got us a thesaurus, bitches!
So, stay tuned. It will be fun until we get bored then decide not to do it any more.
And any dirt you want to see splattered like brains on the pavement, send to~ douchebag.chronicles@yahoo.com
See ya in the funny papers!